Messy.

I used to be so scared of being myself. Like, how much of a dork i am about certain things that i love.. Cause there’s always someone out there will judge you and stay stuff that hurts you just because they aren’t into the same stuff as you, or maybe even leave you eventually..

I used to be scared of pretty, rich, popular kids that i am friends with, cause i am not in their league, like.. I am not even close. 

But as i got older.. I just don’t really care anymore. I do things that i love without shame and guilt, i learn to be brave to speak out my opinions, i learn to slowly love my imperfections, i surround myself with positive vibes even if it means losing friends, even if it means i end up alone. I also realized that I don’t flinch anymore if hypothetically someone’s leaving me.. 

But i think its worth it, i wanna feel content, i wanna feel utmost happy. 

I don’t wanna surround myself with negative, uncomfortable vibes. I don’t wanna be with people who makes me feel like i should be different, i don’t wanna hang out with people who only talks shit about other people, I don’t wanna surround myself with people that makes me feel insecure, i don’t wanna have to begged for people to stay in my life..

Cause in the end.. My happiness is my own responsibility. 

I gotta admit, to do all of this is not easy at all. 

There are times i think of lowering myself and be soft a little bit but then i think of “how long can i live such life to only please people??”

It takes time to put all of this in mind, like damn sometimes i feel like i wanna carve all of this in my brain so that i won’t forget but i am only human. 

I have messy feelings. Whenever i feel down and wanting to give up and give in.. I don’t punish myself. I will try to reason with myself, talked myself through it. 

Sounds insane doesn’t it? It kinda is.